why?

It has been almost a year since I have written anything here, which reflects some of the busy nature of our lives since last summer (travel, pregnancy, work, a move to a new house, going from one to two children, etc). It has been very full and we have definitely not been bored.  Ryland was born on New Year's Eve of 2014 and I am still without a good night's sleep five months later, yet I am grateful most days.  Extremely grateful. I could recap the last few months since Ryland has entered our family, but it has been mostly a blur of survival, joy and learning.  To summarize him, he is a happy, roly poly, full head of hair little guy who we all love dearly.

Today, I was reminded of why I started writing thoughts about parenting and my children.  I wanted to remember what I was feeling at different points in this journey....and I wanted Elida and Ryland to someday read this and know that I was (and am) thoughtful and a full person and that there were joys and struggles along the way.  They won't remember when they were babies or when they were two, but I can give them a glimpse of that world from my eyes.  Anyway, my conversation that happened today over breakfast with Elida, a now feisty three year old, was definitely worth writing about and one that I want her to read someday.  So, here is how our conversation went this morning...

We are sitting at our kitchen table, which used to be my grandmother's kitchen table on their farm.  It has a couple burnt rings on it from hot dishes from meals my grandma made.  I don't know the story of the rings, but I like looking at them and remembering that so many of my family members before me sat at that table.  This sets the scene as Elida is eating her oatmeal and looks at the rings...

Elida: "What are those rings?"
Me: "They are from burn marks from hot dishes when my grandma had this table."
Elida: "Why?"  (I will skip writing all the whys she asks as it is a constant question)
Me: "Because hot things can burn wood and this table is made of wood."
Elida: "What did you call your grandma?  Was she called Nana?"
Me: "Her name was Fern, but I called her Grandma or Grammie sometimes."
Elida: "I want to call her that.  Can I call her Grammie when I meet her?
Me: "I can tell you about her, but you can't meet her because she's gone."
Elida: "Why? Where did she go?"
Me: "She died before you were born."
Elida: "Where did she go when she died?" (She seriously asked this and she is 3.)
Me: "Well... I don't actually know."  I then try to explain to her the 3 year old version of reincarnation and heaven and other different theories of what happens when we die.  It went horribly. I also start to cry a bit because I miss my two grandmothers so much. Every day.
Elida: (She is looking at me this whole time as I have tears in my eyes).  "I'm feeling a little sad."
Me: "It's okay to feel sad. I feel sad too.  Can you tell me more about your feelings?"
Elida: "I'm feeling kind of sad because I saw that moth on the stairs today."
Me: ...Laughing....  "Yeah, I get that.  Moths can make me feel sad too."

Yep. Life with a three year old goes from deep and thoughtful conversations to talk about bugs.  You just never know what you're going to get.  My challenge most every day is to try and lean into each moment and enjoy what is right in front of me, even if there is a moth on the stairs or rings on a table....

so this is two

Elida loves to respond with an enthusiastic "I do" when we ask her to raise her hand for something.  The other day, we asked, "raise your hand if you like ice cream."  We got a very enthusiastic "I do!" with both hands in the air.  On a different day, in a moment to attempt to neutralize some of my frustration with some unsafe toddler action she was refusing to stop I asked her to raise her hand if she was the age of two.  She stopped, looked straight into my eyes and shouted "I do!" and then ran away to continue her devious plots.  

Elida is definitely "doing two".  She is very good at it, and yes sometimes I can relate to the phrase the terrible twos. We have many ups and downs.  She can go from acting like the sweetest little thing on earth to throwing herself onto the ground and shouting "no mama. no!"  This can happen in a matter of seconds.  It baffles me.  There is often no reasoning with her and sometimes no trigger or precipitating event for either the up or the down.  I know this is not uncommon, and I am sure there are moms around the world taking deep breaths and continuing to try and negotiate with their two year olds.  

Despite the down moments (often down on the ground moments), I find that the up moments trump them all.  For that,  I am so grateful.  And I AM grateful that she is two.  I do not want to wish it away.   The time is already going too quickly.  

Elida loves being two, and in fact her favorite number is... yep, you guessed it... two.  When asked how many blueberries she would like, she will always respond with "two", even if she wants a huge handful.  When she sees a herd of horses, I ask her how many horses she sees, and her answer is always "two".  Her imaginary friend Puppis who lives in Minnesota (and is often sleeping for some reason) is two years old.  She has two favorite stuffed friends- Baby Doll and Bunny.  And of course, Elida has two parents who love her very very much (times two).

Two is also going to be how many little ones we will have in our home by the end of this year.  My growing belly who is housing #2 amazes Elida and she often asks me "What's that, mama?" as she points to my belly.  More and more each day, our family embraces this time in life.   And the number two is something I am growing very fond of...

a language of her own

By May 4th of this year, Elida will be two years old.  I think it is common for children of this age to be sponge-like in their language development, and I am constantly astounded by how many new words Elida picks up every day.  Since she has started to speak, she has definitely developed some "Elida-isms".  Here are a few examples of the words she uses often and how she has chosen to say the word.  

Water= "wadoo"

Elida= "Ya Ya"

Iota (our golden retriever)= "I.O."

All Done= "All Doe"

Horse= "Neigh"

Sheep= "Bah"

shower= "show show"

TK(her cousin) = "T.T."

And the list goes on and on of words she has made her own.  She has many phrases that she uses many times on a daily basis. "Ya Ya do it." or  "Ya Ya fix it." applies to many situations.  "Mama, come?" she will pull out often, as she loves to invite everyone to join her in whatever fun is happening in that moment.  The down-side of my little girl being such a sponge is that she absorbs EVERYTHING I say, even when it may not be the best of examples.  One day I missed a turn when we were driving and I said a choice word, and from the backseat I hear a chorus of that word repeated again and again.  So, I am careful now.  She is listening.

As I reflect on all of my sweet little girl's words and phrases, I realize how much children change every single moment.  We blink and something is different. Even this morning, she clearly said "water please".   I sadly replied with "You mean 'wadoo', Elida?  Wadoo?".  "Yes Mama," she patiently said to me.  I grieve aspects of my baby that are no longer with us even in these two years- moments and periods of time that I savored.  And yet, I love this present moment too.  

Many people talk about the terrible two age. We've had some terrible moments before this age and I'm sure we will have some terrible ones this upcoming year too.  AND we have had terrific, amazing, so- astounding-it-has-made-me-have-tears moments too.  Those terrific and love-filled moments are much more plentiful (thankfully) and happen daily, and for that I am so grateful.  As my daughter turns two in a couple weeks, my hope is that I will stand right by her side in the present moment listening as she loudly sings along with all of us "Happy Birthday Ya Ya."  

imagine

When Elida began to walk at 10 months old, WE began to run. This is one of many excuses I have for not writing on this blog since April.  I am a busy, working, tired mama who had bigger ideals than what was realistic.  Still, I am here now and the new year will be here soon and I am always full of resolutions every January 1st.

New Years resolutions actually always make me think of my grandmother, Gram.  She and I would resolve first off to make resolutions and then we would share (in letters from Iowa to Colorado) what they were and how we could keep them at least past February.  Gram passed away in August, which is yet another reason I have for not writing.  I have been sad.  If you know me at all, you know that she was a very important woman in my life and the loss of her has been staggeringly difficult.  When you have a toddler, you cannot be paralyzed by grief (even though that is how I have felt) so we have continued on.  And, I miss Gram.  It is consistently hard to imagine life without her, even though I know she lives on in us in so many ways.

I was thinking about my last visit with Gram the other day. My grandmother collected and was given many sheep and lambs over the years.  When we visited Gram for that last time, Elida was pretty entranced with many of those sheep.  She would take them from whatever shelf or cabinet they were in and bring them to a smiling Gram one by one each time saying very clearly "Baaa....Baaaaa..." Gram and Elida loved this game and it is such a nice memory I have of Ida and Elida together.    Gram ended up going to the hospital not long after we arrived back in Colorado from that trip.  Elida overheard Adam and I talking with concern about Gram a few days after she went into the hospital and Elida steps over to us and with concern asked, "Baaaaaa?"  Somehow her mind remembered.

This story illustrates for me what the beginning of the phase we are in now as parents, which is the amazement of our little person's mind.  She is learning and growing every day with her language, agility and adoption of new concepts.  In the last few months, we have seen her imagination grow and grow.  It is so fun to see her cook in her little kitchen and pretend to give us a taste of her soup that she's made or a cookie she baked in her oven.  She talks and talks, even when we are not sure what she is saying.  She exercises her sense of humor daily and loves to explore any new corner she comes upon.  Her imagination is so entertaining to us because she is surprising every day.

One night, we had gone out to eat in Old Town and Elida was carrying her little stuffed bunny which she calls "B".  We stepped outside and above us was the moon.  The moon is VERY exciting these days.  Elida saw the moon, squealed with delight and then squatted down right outside the restaurant.  She then looked very seriously and held "B" up in the air and said, "B? Moon?" and then threw "B" very high as if our little stuffed bunny could land on the moon.  It was a cool moment- watching "B" fly through the air and Elida possibly imagining it was possible for "B" to get to the moon.   Even tonight, I observed her imagination as I was cooking a dinner, that I eventually dropped (yes dropped) on the floor.  I was fairly devastated by my failed culinary attempts, when Elida climbed on top of our patient golden retriever and started making the sounds of a horse ("neighhhhh!") and waving her hands in delight.   She sure knows how to have fun and I suddenly didn't care about having to find something else for us all to eat.

As I navigate my own stress and sadness and a busy schedule along with the normal ups and downs of life, I am so grateful to have this beautiful toddler who finds such joy in imagination and in the simple things.   She continues to be such a reminder to be in the moment, imagine possibilities and truly love what is.

differences

As I catch up on writing, Elida is 11 months old and rounding into a year soon.  She is full of personality and opinions and unique developing characteristics. Her first words have come spilling out with her favorites being "dad" and "bird".  She went right from crawling to starting to walk.  Elida has strong opinions about what she likes and doesn't like (no vegetables, only cheese please), and will express those opinions often and freely. All these changes have happened within the last few months; a mom can barely keep up!

One of my biggest observations lately is my recognition about how we operate differently.  I can learn a lot from her. Now, there are obvious things that tell me she is definitely my child.  Beyond the opinions (I have a few of those), she has my ease of laughter and smiles, my pinchable cheeks and my stubborn nature.  BUT, here's a few areas where I have noticed I differ a bit:

1) She is not afraid.  She will dive head first off the couch in exploration.  She will take bold steps in an unfamiliar place.  She will try new foods (at least once).  I can learn from this bravery.

2) She is really really friendly to strangers. Elida has perfected the wave.  Picture her wave as somewhere in between the queen's wave and turning an imaginary door knob.  Elida waves and smiles at everyone, no matter where we are.  People are so responsive!  They wave and smile back while we wait in lines and go for walks.  Elida even waves at the birds at the feeders, and I feel like they appreciate it too.  Because of Elida's waving, I find myself interacting with people more too.  Why didn't I engage as much before I had this little person with me?

3) She has a voice.  Obviously, babies are all about needs. But again I feel like this is a lesson I can learn from my sweet daughter.  When she needs something, she will let me know, sometimes very loudly.  She communicates and I know there is something she wants or needs or could be different.  How simple!  Why can't communication with all people be as simple as that?


4) Playing comes first.  For me, this seems to be rarely be the order of things.  With Elida in my life, I play more, observe more and think about what fun could be had first.  The work has to come later.

5) Getting more sleep makes you happier.  You would think I would have figured this out by now-  when I get more sleep, I am a better person.  Elida lives this every day.  When she is rested and fed, there is no stopping this little one in the area of joy.  I think that is probably true for me too.  I definitely need to get more sleep...

So, as our beautiful daughter continues to grow, I look forward to learning more and more.  She is brave, friendly, opinionated, eats well, plays hard, has positive and healthy relationships and she gets enough sleep to make her happy each and every day.  If she had the words to say so, I am sure she would encourage you all to take some notes and wave and smile to a stranger tomorrow...

these three gifts

It has been a few months since my writing has appeared here, but the mark of a new year brings renewed energy and optimism, which also brings me back to my goals and intentions.  One goal is to write periodically and reflect within this space. Autumn fell away quickly and left us suddenly emerged in the holiday season. My expectations have always been high at this time of year, as they are for many. I expect warm and unforgettable moments with family and friends. I envision creating delicious foods with loved ones, telling stories around a crackling fire and singing christmas carols while eating the beautiful cookies I created, while it is snowing outside. Enter in a new little family member named Elida, and my vision is a utopian holiday that rivals any Christmas movie.

There has never been a perfect anything in life, and yet every year I have these ideals of what the holidays should be like.  Reality set in quickly this December. With working full time, various social engagements with people we cared about and maintaining the routine of every day, there was not enough time to fulfill my visions of what I thought this month should be about. To be honest, the majority of the month was pretty stressful for me. I was overtaken by so many "shoulds" that I found myself not being able to relax for a lot of the holiday season.   Now that we are settled back home and given a little time to reflect, I had some realizations. Here are a few lessons I learned this month as a new mom with holiday expectations:

 1) Accept what is and be in the moment. I spent too much time this month imagining what could be instead of enjoying what it was. It was okay that I didn't make any cookies this year and that our tree looked a little like Charlie Brown's tree.  I had the joy of Elida and Adam, and I needed to simply be filled by them.

 2) Elida is not perfect, and that is so okay. We traveled back to Minnesota for Christmas, and Elida took her first flight (which actually went just fine).  Still, you combine travel with interrupted sleep, teething and a small dose of flu and we've got a slightly unhappy girl.  Every time she was introduced to a new male relative, she would scream.  In those moments as we saw people we see once a year, I just wanted her to be the sweet and lovely girl I know every day.  I found myself apologizing for her. I realize now that I absolutely do not need to do that.  She is amazing even when she is fussy and tired, and I love her during every single moment.  I want her always to know and believe that.

 3) Christmas is not about the stuff.  Christmas quickly becomes about the presents, with kids especially. I worked hard this Christmas to not give into that. We had a vision of starting a tradition of giving Elida only three gifts- something she needs, something she wants and something to give to others. We did this (kind of), but we definitely still purchased too much.  A snowsuit turned into a four item winter wardrobe that I called one gift.  Oops.  I can be intentional and help Elida learn that Christmas (and life) is not about the stuff. I want Elida to remember this time of year for the family togetherness, not what she does or doesn't receive in a box.


With more reflection and intentionality, I know I can release expectations in moments like these and find peace. At all times of year, not just the holidays, this motherhood journey is such a learning experience and I am constantly humbled to know that I will probably never have it all figured out.  That is okay.  I do not have to be perfect either.  What I know is that today, I will hug my little girl who turns eight months tomorrow, and be thankful for this very moment I have right now.

growing

 Elida rounded out into five months earlier this October, and Adam and I find ourselves asking the cliche question of where does the time go?  Already, she is sitting up without (much) support from us.  Yesterday, she took a first bite of rice cereal as we begin the journey into introducing solid foods.  She wasn't so sure of this new step though.  Also, she is reaching for anything and everything while she talks and giggles constantly.  She is becoming an active little person who is very much aware and curious in her world.

As parents, Adam and I continue to learn and grow too.  Adam was gone this past week for a work trip and I got to experience being a single parent, which is definitely challenging.  I admire those who do this full time because it is a lot of work!  Thankfully, we are usually doing this together and are continually learning to communicate better and work together.  We try not to do too many internet searches and really just try and trust our instincts.  I think our biggest current challenge is to not try and do it all because there are just not enough hours in the day.  It is okay if our house isn't clean and I didn't get that whatever it was done.  What we keep striving for is to be present and enjoy each day we have.

As I am thinking our own growth as parents and about Elida speedily growing and changing, I thought it would be fun to have the photos show you the growth that has happened in these five short months. We used the bear as a comparison each month. When I write next, she may be twice as big as teady.

 

Much love from our growing family to yours.  We will update everyone soon!