It has been a few months since my writing has appeared here, but the mark of a new year brings renewed energy and optimism, which also brings me back to my goals and intentions. One goal is to write periodically and reflect within this space. Autumn fell away quickly and left us suddenly emerged in the holiday season. My expectations have always been high at this time of year, as they are for many. I expect warm and unforgettable moments with family and friends. I envision creating delicious foods with loved ones, telling stories around a crackling fire and singing christmas carols while eating the beautiful cookies I created, while it is snowing outside. Enter in a new little family member named Elida, and my vision is a utopian holiday that rivals any Christmas movie.
There has never been a perfect anything in life, and yet every year I have these ideals of what the holidays should be like. Reality set in quickly this December. With working full time, various social engagements with people we cared about and maintaining the routine of every day, there was not enough time to fulfill my visions of what I thought this month should be about. To be honest, the majority of the month was pretty stressful for me. I was overtaken by so many "shoulds" that I found myself not being able to relax for a lot of the holiday season. Now that we are settled back home and given a little time to reflect, I had some realizations. Here are a few lessons I learned this month as a new mom with holiday expectations:
1) Accept what is and be in the moment. I spent too much time this month imagining what could be instead of enjoying what it was. It was okay that I didn't make any cookies this year and that our tree looked a little like Charlie Brown's tree. I had the joy of Elida and Adam, and I needed to simply be filled by them.
2) Elida is not perfect, and that is so okay. We traveled back to Minnesota for Christmas, and Elida took her first flight (which actually went just fine). Still, you combine travel with interrupted sleep, teething and a small dose of flu and we've got a slightly unhappy girl. Every time she was introduced to a new male relative, she would scream. In those moments as we saw people we see once a year, I just wanted her to be the sweet and lovely girl I know every day. I found myself apologizing for her. I realize now that I absolutely do not need to do that. She is amazing even when she is fussy and tired, and I love her during every single moment. I want her always to know and believe that.
3) Christmas is not about the stuff. Christmas quickly becomes about the presents, with kids especially. I worked hard this Christmas to not give into that. We had a vision of starting a tradition of giving Elida only three gifts- something she needs, something she wants and something to give to others. We did this (kind of), but we definitely still purchased too much. A snowsuit turned into a four item winter wardrobe that I called one gift. Oops. I can be intentional and help Elida learn that Christmas (and life) is not about the stuff. I want Elida to remember this time of year for the family togetherness, not what she does or doesn't receive in a box.
With more reflection and intentionality, I know I can release expectations in moments like these and find peace. At all times of year, not just the holidays, this motherhood journey is such a learning experience and I am constantly humbled to know that I will probably never have it all figured out. That is okay. I do not have to be perfect either. What I know is that today, I will hug my little girl who turns eight months tomorrow, and be thankful for this very moment I have right now.
